Let me set the scene: I’m scrolling through Instagram, just trying to enjoy a peaceful cup of coffee, when suddenly—*BAM*—some 23-year-old ‘PT/Influencer’ with a Udemy course in nutrition is telling me that my cortisol levels are *ruining my life* because I dared to drink coffee before 8 AM. That my protein intake is *so dangerously low* that by some sort of mystical surprise, my muscle mass will evaporate by noon. And to top it off I’m not doing fasted cardio enough while simultaneously meditating and journaling under a full moon.
I’m basically a walking corpse at this stage.
Roll Up Roll Up and give a big welcome to “The Great Wellness Circus”
The online “health” space has become a carnival of contradictions, where self-appointed gurus who learned anatomy from a 2-hour online course (bless them) preach like they’ve cracked the Da Vinci Code of human biology.
Meanwhile, those of us over 40—who have survived low-fat diet crazes, juice cleanses, and the era of “carbs are the devil”—are just sitting here, exhausted, watching the same nonsense repackaged with better lighting.
Let’s play a fun game called “Who Should I Believe Today?”
Coffee:
One influencer says it’s *toxic stress juice* that will annihilate your cortisol. Another says it’s *liquid gold for fat loss*. A third insists you must drink it with butter, salt, and a whispered affirmation or it doesn’t count.
Protein:
According to the Gym Collective, if you’re not eating 200g a day, your organs will fail. Meanwhile, a “holistic wellness coach” (who survives on chia seeds and vibes) claims protein causes *inflammation and early death*.
Sleep:
“You MUST get 8.5 hours or your hormones will betray you!”* screams one post. Meanwhile, a CEO-bro flexes about his 4-hour “biohacked” sleep routine and insists *you’re just lazy*.
Carbs:
Are they *essential for energy*? *The root of all disease*? Or only acceptable if eaten in a 17-second window after lifting weights while standing on one leg?
The Real Issue: Disordered Eating in a Wellness Costume
Here’s the thing—most of these influencers aren’t health experts. They’re people with their own disordered eating habits and body image issues, repackaging their anxiety as “optimal living.” They’ve turned wellness into a cult where *more restriction = more virtue*, and if you don’t follow their exact protocol, you’re “self-sabotaging.”
Newsflash: Health is not one-size-fits-all.What works for a 22-year-old who spends three hours a day working out (and whose metabolism hasn’t yet met the reality of adulthood) is not what works for a 40+ woman with a career, maybe kids, and a body that has, you know, lived a life.
So next time some TikTok teen tells you your cortisol is too high because you dared to sleep past 6am, just smile, nod, and go eat your damn breakfast. Preferably with carbs.
The Unbearable Arrogance of Youth
There’s something darkly hilarious about being lectured on “longevity” by someone whose idea of long-term planning is remembering to charge their AirPods.
Let’s be honest—half these influencers are just repackaging their own orthorexia and body dysmorphia as “health.” They’ve convinced themselves that controlling every macro, micro, and circadian rhythm is self-care, when really, it’s just anxiety with a side of almond butter.
And God forbid you’re a woman over 40. Suddenly, every 22-year-old with a six-pack and a discount code for greens powder is an expert on your hormones. “Have you tried cold plunges?” they ask, as if menopause is just a matter of not being committed enough to suffering.
Yet here they are, preaching like they’ve unlocked the secret to eternal youth—while most of them look like they’d cry after eating a carb.
Enough.
I’m done with the shame, the contradictions, and the relentless noise. Health isn’t about perfection—it’s about sustainability, balance, and not losing your mind over a slice of toast.
So to every 20-something influencer who wants to tell me how to live:
Come back when you’ve survived a decade of stress, hormones, and real-life responsibilities.
Until then, maybe just… stop talking?
And to my fellow 40+ warriors: **Eat the protein (or don’t). Drink the coffee (or don’t). Move your body in ways that feel good (not punishing).
And most importantly—ignore the noise.
Because the best wellness hack of all? NOT GIVING A SH*T
(Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to enjoy my cortisol-spiking coffee in peace.)
**The Grumpy Woman Who’s Over It**
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*P.S. If this post stressed you out, don’t worry—just do some box breathing, take adaptogens, and remember that I’m not a doctor, just a sarcastic person with WiFi access.* 😉
Empowering Women Through Wellness, Community, and Giving Back 